Playing with Emotions

Dear blog,

Welcome back to myself. I know it's going to be hard for me to write anything here though I love writing so much. Maybe because bunch of assignments that I need to deal with, I feel like writing ( i mean typing) some extra stuff here will be a complete waste of time. However, it came to my mind last night about this second thought. I should write something here...
And it started when I was here in United States about a month ago. I felt so lonely and miserable but it's ok. I can deal with it because I learn so much about life in KYUEM. My dear and 'lovely' college. It's going to be hard for a few days I guess, and it's true. I could handle myself in a week. Life here is not that bad and I just need to strengthen my emotion. That's all. Unfortunately, along the positive thought and try to act like 'nothing happen' behaviour, this parasite of thought struck my mind exactly after a month and it's getting worse day by day. (to be exact until now)
Everyday and every night when everything related to class is settled, I will stay in my room. Doing things by myself and keep talking to myself ( i mean inside my mind. i'm not crazy) is really frustrating. Even though the freedom is lovely but it's killing me. I do watch my favorite drama and TV shows in internet and I do have fun watching them. I do some of my private stuff privately with no interruption and I do enjoy it. But there's something that makes me feel so empty. I figured it out last night and it turns out to be loneliness. I have live alone in my room wasting most of the quality times doing nothing. So I cook, sing, dance and etc just to fill this side of me. But the thing that i need most is friend. A true friend. I believe that every human being will have different approach towards certain people. People's behaviour will change when they meet someone. As example if he meets his good friends, he will be so energetic. If he meets his girlfriend, he will be like the last man in the world. So human is like a chameleon. They do camouflage their behaviour.
Just like me, I do have friends here but they are not the one that I think will accept the true me. All this while, I'm being a stranger to myself. I don't have the chance to be myself. Is this called hipocrite? I think so. At least in Malaysia, if I'm alone or no one arounds me, I can call my best friends and we'll have a great time. But now, it's just me. I hope for the coming 4 years, everything will be fine and at least I can control my emotion and stay sane. I really miss my friends and my homeland. And one positive thing about living solitarily, I learn to be so analytical. Every small parts regarding feelings and emotions, I will try to interpret it myself. What a life.
Till then. c ya! Take care. XOXO. Lujju Jingga